The NY Times posted a list of 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man and it’s so off-base that I am wondering WHO their target audience was intended to be. I can’t help but feel that it is my duty to correct this drivel. Not quite a fisk… but here we go.
27 Ways to Be a REAL Modern Man.
- When the REAL modern man buys shoes for his spouse… just kidding. We don’t. We wouldn’t buy them jeans. We wouldn’t buy them shoes. We buy them a gift certificate because there’s no woman in the history of the world that thinks it’s a good idea to let her man pick out her clothes.
- The REAL modern man does let petty crap bother him. His confidence may be sunk, but he gets on with his day and gets the job done, then worries about how his feelings are hurt.
- The REAL modern man is considerate, but practical. If you’re in a theater, you can expect to hear people eating popcorn. Your popcorn isn’t going to drown out the best kissing scenes in Twilight. Hey, why are you in a theater screening of Twilight?
- The REAL modern man has no problem sending a crappy piece of meat back to the chef. If you’re paying good money for a chunk of dead animal, that animal had better be cooked the way it was requested. How is it getting charred? It shouldn’t be cooked past medium. If the REAL modern man has cooked his own steak, he eats all of it so he learns to do it properly next time.
- The REAL modern man parks wherever he wants and if his spouse or kids are tired and he wants to be nice, he can park closer. His parking-lot hunting must not interfere with others in the lot.
- Before the REAL modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his phone is charging. Every family member for themselves! They won’t figure out that they screwed up if you don’t let them screw up once in a while.
- The REAL modern man buys whatever is tasty. If you walk into his house looking for a Coke, he’ll ask you what kind. Then you can ask for a Mountain Dew. The REAL modern man may call all of them ‘pop’ because that’s what people do in a civilized world.
- The REAL modern man uses whatever name for items is in common usage. “Get to the choppah!” is the perfect vernacular.
- Having a daughter makes the REAL modern man beg for forgiveness wondering what he could have possibly done to bring that upon himself. Once he’s over that, he protects her. With guns. (See below)
- The REAL modern man helps with dishes because it’s not a woman’s job. It’s not a man’s job. It’s a job that needs to be done. If some of the dishes have water on them still… too bad. A little water never killed nobody. A quick shake of the dish does a good enough job.
- The REAL modern man doesn’t know what pinning a tweet is. No, really. What is pinning a tweet?
- The REAL modern man replaces the bar of soap when it’s small enough to fit through the tiny holes in the drain. If it’s not that small, there’s usable soap.
- The REAL modern man listens to whatever he wants*. Jim Croce is a fine example.
(*Justin Bieber, Iggy Azalea, or One Direction are not valid sources of musical entertainment for the REAL modern man.)
- The REAL modern man buys whatever needs to be bought and if that means his spouse emailed his shopping list to him, then that’s just fine.
- The REAL modern man doesn’t choose the flooring in his house. He’s likely not the one that will be cleaning it the most, so it’s not his choice in the matter. When he cleans it, he gets to pick. Kitchens and Dining Rooms are exceptions and tile or hardwood are both acceptable.
- The REAL modern man lies where he’s comfortable because he’s helped his spouse prepare for the unlikely event of a home invasion and he knows that a Momma Bear getting to her cubs is the most violent and majestic scene any REAL modern man could witness. The REAL modern man will use judicious marksmanship to stop the intruder and provide covering fire for his spouse.
- The REAL modern man probably has a melon baller. His spouse probably bought it. It’s in that drawer down on the end with all of the other weird kitchen gadgets are that you don’t know how to use.
- The REAL modern man buys shoes that fit and doesn’t need a shoehorn. Hipster.
- The REAL modern man does indeed buy fresh flowers ‘just because.’ Ain’t no shame in keeping her happy.
- On occasion, the REAL modern man is the little spoon. She should expect to be gassed as soon as his brain hits REM. She may not complain of this, for she asked for it.
- The REAL modern man is allowed to scold his children any time they waste food that he paid for.
- The REAL modern man doesn’t care what he looks like when grabbing the paper in the morning.
- The REAL modern man probably has some Michael Mann movies in his collection, but it’s not a collection of Michael Mann movies.
- The REAL modern man makes sure his phone is charged for use. 10% or 90%, it’s all the same if you can make a call on it.
- The modern man has many uses for guns. He owns several and is looking for more. “How many guns do you need to buy?” “More.” He’s not afraid of a chunk of metal sitting in a safe.
- The REAL modern man cries. During ‘Old Yeller’ or the death of his parents. Ok, Band of Brothers is acceptable.
- The REAL modern man doesn’t much dance and when he does, he doesn’t care what he looks like.
The REAL modern man doesn’t need a list of things he does.
In the spirit of eliminating those nasty illegal non-existent drugs from clenched butt cheeks, I present to you….
The Twelve Days of the Drug War
On the 12th day of the Drug war, the victim swore to me:
Twelve dogs a sniffing,
Eleven cops a searching,
Ten cops arresting,
Nine judges stamping,
Eight lawyers signing,
Seven doctors bowing,
Six nurses prepping,
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive cinnamon rings!
Four anal probes,
3 extended digits,
and a lengthy colonoscopy!
I guess we should finally leave the TSA alone, now. As much as we thrash them on the internet, it’s all unwarranted it appears.
They’ve finally caught a terrorist.
They’ve apparently had their eyes on him for a VERY long time. So long, that they’ve been paying his paychecks.
You might find the name familiar: Nna Alpha Onuoha. Why should that name be familiar? He’s the fellow who felt himself morally superior and obligated to berate peoples’ children on how they should be dressing.
The package Onuoha left was found to contain an eight-page document headed “The End of America, the End of Satan, we were not defeated”, which expressed his thoughts on the episode involving Frauenfelder’s daughter, the affidavit said.
An article I find in conflict with itself is this one. Onuoha claims Christianity, yet says that women should look to Muslim women for guidance.
If you need an example on how to properly dress your fifteen year old daughter before you send her out on a world tour in this world ruled by satan, you should look up to Muslim women
But yes. Christian. Definitely Christian.
Do not expect another 9/11. What will unfold on this day and on the days ahead will be greater than 9/11.
A Marine (no longer active duty) saw a kid getting bullied by a full grown group of 20+ year old “men”. While the kid was waiting with his dad, racial slurs get thrown about and the kid and his dad are about to get beaten.
In steps Wen Jones, a 43 year old Marine, to help the kid and his dad out.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The beat down left the Jupiter resident, former Marine and father of two needing surgery to fix a fracture under his eye. He also had stitches all over his face, including his tear duct.
But three months after the attack at Juno Beach Park, still occasionally a little foggy from the concussion, Jones says it was worth it.
“I’m not happy to have been injured pretty severely, but at the same time, I ask myself, would I do it again? You know, it was the right thing to do, so I probably would,” he said.
He paid a high price, but being the man that he is, he doesn’t regret it. That’s character right there. As for the people standing around opening your cell phone cameras, you’re pieces of excrement.
Semper Fi, brother.
Sometimes being a hero means finishing last.
This is in regards to a young USMC Lance Corporal that, instead of finishing and proving to his Army buddies that he was more physically fit, proved instead that he was more honorable by getting a really crappy time just so a young kid didn’t finish last. Badass doesn’t mean you finish a fight covered in your opponents blood, sometimes it means you’re just a little humble.
Over the past 2 days, I’ve taught two classes of two people each so they could submit their application for their Utah Concealed Firearm Permit.
Four more people added to the gun pool. Suck it, antis.
P.S.–Customers, thank you for your contribution to my children’s daycare. It’s a noble cause.
This morning, a group of people were shot at the Empire State building where a former employee had some beef with a current employee. Some people have some serious issues ‘upstairs’. Fortunately, they stopped him before it went too far. Here’s something that this story can remind us of: they cops are human.
“The police are the ONLY ONES capable of being responsible with firearms.” Have you heard that used before? (paraphrased)
From CNN Breaking News Alerts:
New York authorities say the gunman who opened fire Friday outside the Empire State Building had been fired from his job a year ago. The person the gunman shot and killed was a former colleague.
Police who killed the gunman may have hit several of the eight people wounded, Mayor Michael Bloomberg says. All those wounded are expected to recover.
Remember… they’re the only ones responsible enough. Isn’t that what the antis always say? I’m surprised Bloomberg even admitted this. Will there be charges against the cops who shot innocent bystanders? Never. What would happened had a civilian shot innocent bystanders? Come to think of it, has anybody heard of ANY instances where a civilian has shot innocent bystanders while acting in a good Samaritan capacity?
This from #GBC:
13:25 <+Tango> FarmDad: your morning sickness link = Dr. Joe’s cure all.
13:25 <+Tango> Sorry. ‘cure for everything’ http://www.joehuffman.org/JoeSpeak.htm
13:26 -!- FarmDad is now known as FDafk
13:26 -!- Farmmom [~chatzilla@cloak-3F2A59CA.dyn.centurytel.net] has quit [Quit: ChatZilla 0.9.88.2 [Firefox 14.0.1/20120713134347]]
And somehow that didn’t make the /topic
There’s nothing suspicious about a handcuffed left-handed man in the back of a police cruiser shooting himself in the right temple with a gun the police missed while searching him.
Nothing at all.
“As protocol he was handcuffed behind his back and double locked, and searched”, said Sergeant Lyle Waterworth, Jonesboro Police.
Somehow minutes later police say they heard a thumping noised, turned around and found Chavis dead, shot in the head, in the back of the squad car.
I have no real reason for posting this other than because I want to.
On Saturday we went on the Heber Creeper. This is my son’s picture my sister-in-law took. I think I’ll call it “Just chillin!”